Saturday, 22 April 2017
When Life Changes Dramatically
Life is about change and...
I'm no stranger to dramatic life changes. I've had my share of the standard ones, moving to a new town, buying a first home, having a baby, getting a divorce and giving up a career. Add to that living with a chronic illness which isn't suddenly dramatic until it takes you down a road you didn't expect and brings a lifestyle you hadn't anticipated, then the dramatic life changes are beginning to add up.
More change is coming my way and it seems to me that it's fairly radical. I've written very little about some aspects of my personal life because when it involves other people I don't feel I have the right to make public stories that are not purely mine. At least not without permission. Although it's supposed to be a blog that attempts to chronicle life with a chronic illness, I really can only give glimpses, snapshots, very controlled peeks into what my life actually is. Focusing on personal style allows me to keep it relatively impersonal so I stick to that often.
And sometimes I veer away from it....
I've made reference to an abusive marriage, and to being divorced. I sometimes talk about living alone, but I believe I may have referenced a partner or significant other once or twice. Then I wrote one or two posts about internet dating. The short explanation for all of that is that a long term and long distance friendship turned into more then fell apart over a misunderstanding that involved a breakup that each thought the other was initiating only neither really was.
Holy Cow, communication is everything.
A close friend thought the way to get me through that was to immerse myself in internet dating. Hah! Fortunately for me, the misunderstanding was sorted out and the relationship resumed better than ever and internet dating become merely a five day slightly amusing interlude.
So a long distance relationship is about to become a case of cohabitation which leaves me without any cold feet even remotely, although in bed at night I am prone to wearing not very sexy fleece socks. A relationship deal breaker? Nah.
I am not a person who seeks relationships or needs to have a partner in my life. The right one is heavenly, but I I would rather be alone than in the wrong relationship. I like living alone so you have to be very special and I have to be very sure of you before I am going to share my living space with anyone who is not a cat.
How does life change when you are sharing space, sharing time, and pursuing together-activities? I'm about to find out, or re-explore that. Anticipating this change has become a full time preoccupation and the days cannot pass quickly enough. I have five weeks left to wait, five weeks of not needing to consider the needs or comfort of another person. Five weeks of erratic sleep patterns, eating whenever I feel like it and considering only myself when I spend money. If I am worried about anything these are the things I'm worried about. Can I adjust properly? Time will tell but I do know I've been smart enough to be in love with someone who tells me to stop worrying. It will be fine. I will not be a bother, he will not tell me I am not good enough or my ways are wrong. That was my old life, a different partner. Now I am with someone who is my best friend, who loves me for who I am, not what I can (or cannot) do and who, like me has to contend with chronic illness so understands. "It's fine", he says. "We will just hold hands and cross the bridges."